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blond radio

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1/31/09 02:08 am

stop thinking, live live live. go out go to parties drink dance ingest chemicals inhale smoke bleed and bruise and smile, rattle your mind inside your head when you can't stop moving to the beat of that excellent sound love everyone love everything regret nothing embrace the beautiful lovers you never knew kiss them press them close don't let go taste the skin feel hearts pounding beneath ribcages and feel don't think don't wonder just feel and be and love and that is all you need, emotion's the only human quality and otherwise you become a machine you're spinning in the wheel a little metal cog turning turning turning never ceasing always in the same direction without question, thought makes you that way you can't let your mind control your life you've got to bloody live with the very last breath in you with all of your soul and heart and body and spirit and mind combined you'll never be free you'll never be free if you don't let go, let go, let go of the world of all that you care for remember nothing matters in the end, remember it's all a game, this thing, the world, so bizarre.. how strange it is to be anything at all really truly actually because what would we be if we were not? we would not be, and what then? what then she asked as she looked into the mirror, at the reflection that was not quite her but not quite anyone.. i am anything at all, she thought, i am everything, i am nothing, i personify all that is lost and all that was once loved but will never be loved again. the girl in the sailor suit with her hair pinned back and her lips stained by heat, she sees the sun she cannot help but gaze back into the face she knows exists somewhere within the surface and it hasn't happened for a very long time, the bicycle wheels click and bolt and turn clockwise when they face the side of the street everyone walks on, the spokes turning and turning forever in this infinitive rhythm like an ace of spades in the metal and a long pause is condensed into a single moment but she'd never know it with how hard she was thinking. the girl stopped time, her rhyming silhouette dancing in the light as she stood still not knowing what to do but nothing mattered then and she did not have to know. for once in her life she let things go, and she was free, and she felt nothing and everything. the fear of death had dissipated. the ache to live was nonexistent. 'i could die today', she thought, 'in an hour perhaps. and nothing would change. there is nothing i must complete, i do not have to die in beauty, i can feel the most terrible pain i've ever felt and it wouldn't matter. i will make for an interesting corpse.' she knew she would be a virgin, and she knew about the scars on her legs, and she knew the blond was fading in her hair. she knew she could die never knowing how to love another, she could die and they would all read her journals and scan her unfinished drawings. she knew she could let go of everything but in the end none of it was worldly. what was this thing, the world? a figment. nonexistent. it operated under these rules and pretenses, sure, but they were certainly not hers. how could she take things so seriously? had she not learned the most important lesson in life? it could be absolutely nothing and she would never know. it could be everything. there are so many meanings and yet it could easily be a clever mirage. so what then? how does one proceed in a world they realize is imaginary? she did not know what to do, or what to think.. 'but i'm still here', she decided, 'and i cannot ever see things the way they've been..' 'perhaps the world is real. in which case i will live as i have lived. and then, nothing will be the difference.'
these are questions to take into consideration. what is: everything, anything, nothing, love, hate, life, death, a question, an answer, the truth, a lie, reality, fiction, subjective, absolute, rational, crazy, apathy, pain, sadness, pleasure, meaning, human, machine, animal, instinctual, choice, force, decision, will, autonomy?
what is the world?
what am i?
what are you?
nothing is relevant in first person.
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